We all have that friend or family member when times get tough. You know the one. The seemingly eternal optimist who may be quick to tell you, “don’t worry, it’ll all be okay”, “you shouldn’t stress about that”, or “things happen for a reason.” While the words are well-intentioned and are meant to comfort and show you support, they sting a bit because they invalidate the very legitimate feelings that you are experiencing in this moment.
These types of comments inadvertently ignore the reality that right now, things are not okay, and that is okay.
All of us have experienced hardship and loss in some capacity, and we know what it feels like for emotions to be dismissed as if they were wrong to exist in the first place. The feeling when you’ve just spilled your guts to a loved one, only to have them say “well, you’ve got to try and move on. Just let it go and focus on the positives.”
Your heart sinks into your stomach and you feel so unheard.
Nothing makes you want to stuff down all of your feelings faster than cliched platitudes. These comments transform a moment of vulnerability where we went out on a limb to express the enormity of our pain into a moment of shame for opening up and feeling those emotions.
That is how toxic positivity works.
Don’t get me wrong, optimism and positivity are important qualities that foster resilience when used appropriately, and being able to find silver linings in the storms of our lives is how we weather the storm. But it is also crucial to balance those traits with staying grounded in the realities of a situation. We can try to accept that part of the human experience is sadness, pain, anger, and uncertainty. We can sit with the feelings we are feeling, and explore them with curiosity instead of judgment.
In times of grief, loss, and trauma, like many of us have encountered and are encountering now during the COVID-19 pandemic, the idea that it will be okay does not feel true in that moment. The thought that everything happens for a reason rings false. What could possibly be the existential reason that we’ve lost our jobs or a loved one? Is it really okay that the world is suffering right now? Why try and put a positive spin on something that is truly tragic?
We accidentally engage in toxic positivity because of our own discomfort with vulnerability and feeling.
If we have a tendency to avoid experiencing our own emotions, then of course, others’ emotions are going to be difficult to sit with. For many of us, past trauma or anxiety can make feelings appear as though they are dangerous and unsafe to feel, but if we can connect with our pain from a place of curiosity and compassion instead of avoiding it, we are able to stay present with our loved ones and start healing our own wounds. We all want to be able to support those we love, but we cannot do that if we unwittingly shut them down when they’re reaching out to us.
When we feel like avoiding or jumping in to “save the day” with that thing we shouldn’t say, take a deep breath and check in to see which of our own messy feelings are coming up. We can try to learn to hold space for our loved ones who are struggling. We can offer a listening ear without offering judgment or advice, just allowing their pain to take its natural course.
We can empathize and validate that this is hard, removing toxic positivity from the menu of ways to cope.
Instead, we show up, we are willing to be vulnerable, and we support however we can. If they need to cry, we let them cry, and if we cry because we feel our pain and their pain in that moment, we let that happen too. If they need to scream and vent for 30 minutes straight and you can’t get a word in edgewise, we just let that happen, because that’s exactly what they need in that moment. We sneak in mmhmms and actively listen. We agree that things suck right now and that life is really hard in this moment. And if we don’t know what someone needs, we ask how we can support them instead of assuming that we know.
Most of us have this superpower of vulnerability within us, and if we tap into it, we can transform our relationship with ourselves and with those closest to us. We just have to be willing to learn to tap into it.
So I challenge you to reflect on times where you might have wanted to push positivity, forgive yourself if you’ve accidentally been that person, and start looking at ways to react differently in the future. We can’t change the past, but we have choices in the future. Take this as an opportunity to work through the past experiences that may be encumbering your ability to truly connect, and deepen those bonds that we are relying on more than ever through this pandemic.
